is this even a post?

28 05 2008

aargh! now i’m not in the mood anymore! chikusoooooooooooooooo! muuu~~





second delayed post

28 05 2008

feels like yesterday.. uhm.. not exactly yesterday.. yesteryear? (whaat?) no! it feels more like years ago.. 10 years ago to be specified? yes! it was back when we were still in pre-school! hahaa stupid times.. kedo nantoka chiisai shiawase o mitsuketa! ano tokoro de.. i still remember the beautiful saturday morning sky of that time, when we(the students) were playing at the playground, starring at that beautiful sky.. nantoka sono dou youbi no asa no sora o mada oboeteiru yo! ima made, zutto.. datte sono sora wa hontou ni utsukushikatta kara! it was just so peaceful, the kind of sky you can’t find these days.. moshikashite.. daisukina youbi wa dou youbi kai!? hahaa iie! datte..

“nichi youbi wa ichiban sukina youbi desu!”

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“I CAN CHANGE MY LIFE!”

5 03 2008

there is a song, sung by a very popular talented young japanese pop singer and song writer, YUI, called LIFE. it’s used as BLEACH (anime) fifth ending song. it’s a very meaningful song! i love to listen to it over and over! it’s a very nice song! I’m not saying that this song is “so me!” -no! i’m not that stereotype! this song reminds me so much about how i want to “change my life”.

“if only i could be like YUI…” that’s what’s on my thought everytime! but as everyone says, “keep on dreaming, dreamer!” 
yeah! i can only dream. i don’t have the strength to do the thing called “moving on”. unlike YUI-who prefers to keep on living in this harsh world-, i want to go back to my childhood, fix everything that has already been broken, so i could have a better present and future, unlike now, a ruined present and no future. i’ve been tortured by my own cowardice. fool. if only i had the bravery, at least to speak up! because there are so many damn unclear problems in my life! i can’t even 
express my feelings to the person related! up until now! if i could and did, those problems would be clearer than crystals by 
now!

if only i could! GOD!

i always yell to myself, “i want to be accepted! i want to be accepted! I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED!!!” i’m so hell tired of being ‘the unexpected’! i’ve tried! i’ve tried NOT so hard to change! it went kind of smoothly in 
the beginning, but in the end, i’m back to the way i used to! all for nothing! I’m serious about ‘i want to change my life’ thing, but in fact, i always fall into the same 
hole again and again! and because of my beloved cowardice, i can’t jump out of that hole! ugh! it’s not like i can’t, i CAN, but i’m too afraid! even to try! i’m afraid that if i jump out that hole, i will be falling to a deeper hole.. every chance has a risk, and (again) i’m too afraid to take that 
risk, even the small one.

how can i change my life when i can’t even face my own problems!? i can only run away and hide, or worse, i can blame it to 
innocent people for my own sake. i can’t do those things forever! i have to STOP!

YUI said that..

「過ぎて きた 日々 全部 で… 今 の あたし なんだ よ! カンタン に 行か ない から 生きて ゆける!」

“all the days that have passed.. (made up) the present me! because (I) can’t go easily (I) keep on living!”

but for me, it’s more like..

「過ぎて きた 日々 全部 で… 今 の あたし なんだ よ! カンタン に 行か ない から 生きて ゆけ ない!!!」

..怖がり は 生まれ つき だ から…